OK, what’s going on here? At noon on Sunday last, my foot catches on the side of a bench in our back bedroom, and I’m instantly crashing to the floor. (Who said carpet is so yesterday? Thank you carpet!) Unfortunately, my left femur breaks in half and my foot points to the east instead of the north.

    That’s not all. No phone in sight and no one at home, so should I lie there on my back till someone randomly comes home or drag myself to the kitchen and call 911. I choose the latter and immediately there is a knock at the back unlocked door. (It’s Ponchatoula. We all keep our back-yard doors unlocked for neighborhood kids who want to say hi.)

    The Fire Department volunteers are always the first to arrive followed immediately by the ambulance. Even though we are joking about the artistic shape of this newly warped leg, my thoughts then are the same as they are today:

    I’m sure you’re wondering what a broken leg has to do with art. Me too, so I asked Google the same question. Why not? Mr. Google knows everything!

    First, I see a poster of a balloon dog with a popped leg by Will McPhail. Clever. Not only can I get it in poster size but also greeting cards.

   Then I see a drawing of a centipede with a cast on one of its legs, but I personally do not have a cast. They operated that afternoon, stuck a rod through the inside of my femur and told me later, “Nope, no cast or brace…there are no move-able parts to stabilize when you break a femur.” I’ll keep that in mind next time I consider an accident.

    Back to Google…did you know you can buy X-rays of broken femurs for only $45 in a limited edition of 250? That’s a lot of “Take a deep breath and hold please.” 

    And even…photos of deformed leg breaks are available in sizes as large as 40”x 40” and apparently it takes longer to ship this monstrosity than it does to crack the leg! You can also get the image printed on metal, but there is too much metal on my leg as it is…in the form of crooked staples that have replaced traditional stitches.

    On the classier print line, you can order a silk-screen of broken legs using bright colors to separate the layers of irregular fractures. Cool!

    I have finally found my favorite broken leg artwork: a cartoon by Tony Zuvela depicting a chef walking onto the theater stage to perform. A stage-hand pulls back the curtain and whispers, “Righto, you’re on, Chef! Break an Egg!” And it’s only $95 for an 8.5”x 11” with a mug as a bonus feature!